Thanksgiving Break Blues

There’s this feeling I get at the end of every break, and I don’t think I’m the only one who feels it.

The dreaded last night of break rolls around and I’m sitting in my room dreading going back.

Dreading going back to a place I love. My home, with all my friends, and my church. It doesn’t make sense. I become overwhelmed by all the work I put off during my break, that I now have to actually begin.  I feel lonely. I get scared, thinking, “What if everyone forgets to love me when I go back?”

I can’t quite place my finger on the exact reason why all of this hits me on that night before I go, back, but I know it happens almost every single break. The Thanksgiving/Christmas/Summer break blues.

People around us let us down all the time. We are always worried that we won’t be enough and the people around us will forget to love us. Their past actions don’t give any reason to show that this would be the case, but the fear still creeps into our mind. 

It’s because people are imperfect. They disappoint us, because we are all disappointing. We weren’t meant to live in this world and it’s apparent. I see facebook posts on the daily about people being frustrated and let down by the people surrounding them.  

Isn’t it obvious? 

Our hearts long for something better, because that’s how our Creator created us. We are broken. This world is broken. 

And that’s why Jesus came and was murdered for us. That’s why he rose again: to bring us life.

When you start to feel yourself putting your worth in what others think of you, and you fear that you will never be enough, remember that in Christ, we are heirs to the throne; his children.

Now before faith came, we were held captive under the law, imprisoned until the coming faith would be revealed. ²⁴ So then, the law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith. ²⁵ But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, ²⁶ for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. ²⁷ For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. ²⁸ There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. ²⁹ And if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's offspring, heirs according to promise.

Galatians 3:23-29

What better news could ever exist? We do not have to work to earn anything from our Father.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”  

Psalm 73:26

He is all we need.

So as we walk into these next couple of weeks I want to encourage you. Friends let us down. We let them down too. It’s because we’re broken, so hopelessly broken. But thank the Lord above there was sent a remedy.

Today during chapel we were told to break up into groups to pray with those around us. I was sitting next to my friend, and as Kurt began to pray, we put our arms around each other.  The prayer was not particularly long, but it was not short either. I found myself at points thinking, “She will probably let go of my shoulder at some point because her arm will get tired.” 

But you know what? She didn’t.

Our friends don’t forget to love us, and that’s why they are our friends. Remember that the good outweighs the bad, and that’s why we love the people around us.  More than that, our Savior never takes his arm off our shoulder, and even better: the Spirit of the living God is inside every believer.

Now that we’re back and the Thanksgiving break blues begin to wear off, I want to encourage you to look for the good and remind yourself who is your portion: The one who could never forget to love you. 

I Already Have That

Today, like every other day, I was talking to my mom on the phone. I was filling her in on my day and on the inner workings of my brain. The Lord has been working on me a lot in the past few weeks.  Ever since Good Friday’s Secret Church service I have been wrecked. In the best way possible, the Lord has started reworking my thinking.

 I’m starting to see a pattern: when I think I start to get a handle on this whole gospel thing, the Lord points out where I can do better, and leads me in the way everlasting. I get wrecked for the gospel.

 I spent the past week living intentionally and more gospel focused than I have in a while. Toward the end of the week, my thoughts started drifting.  The enemy always knows exactly where to take my brain to get me off track; the same place he takes a lot of twenty-somethings mind's: singleness. 

I shared with my mom that I just wasn’t sure if I would ever be in a successful relationship that ended in marriage.  A marriage relationship was a beautiful picture of Christ’s love for the church, could be a testimony to God’s work in my life, and I wanted that. I just wasn’t sure it would happen.  In this conversation, my mom stopped me and said what I needed to hear more than anything: “You know, you already have that.”

“That’s just a human example of the even greater relationship that you already take part in.”

Perspective.  Just when I felt blinded by what this world has to offer the Lord sent the unsurpassed, earthly wisdom of my mother. 

If you hold it in your possession, you don’t necessarily need the picture.  It’s a nice way to remember it, but if we are distracted by the picture instead of letting it point to the real thing, it loses its beautiful purpose.

Why is it that I can only see what’s right in front of me? When doubts start to flood my perspective, it’s time to step back and simply say, “I already have that.” Whatever it is I wish I had, I already have it, only greater.  Lord I need: a companion, a friend, a spouse, joy, encouragement, love, etc. "You know, I already have that."

And because we serve a risen Savior, a day is coming when I will have it to the absolute fullest and I will delight only in my Lord without distraction. 

Please if you don’t already have that; get it. Call on His name and you can have all that you need. It won’t always look the way you want. Sometimes it will. Sometimes he will surprise you. But it will always be better. Serving him requires daily sacrifice, but it ends with the fulfillment of the deepest desires our hearts know. 

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:24

My Last Day with Grandpa

Last Tuesday night I had a hard time sleeping, and when I woke up I got ready to drive my grandparents to downtown St. Louis for their doctors appointments.  When I got home that evening I wrote the majority of this blog post.  Little did I know this would be the last day I would get to spend with my grandpa Todd; and as God often works, He began to show me little pieces of Himself even when I wasn’t looking for it. 

When we arrived at the hospital for the doctor's appointments, my grandma, who is a pretty spry and agile lady, helped my grandpa from the car into a wheelchair for a trek through Barnes-Jewish Hospital.  After we walked across the window covered bridge over the city, my grandma pushing my grandpa in the wheelchair, we boarded the elevator and hopped off at the 13^th floor (which apparently does exist in some buildings).

Because of their many visits to this location, my grandparents smoothly maneuvered their way through the large St. Louis hospital, smiling and being helpful to others along the way.  We finally arrive at the waiting room.  My grandparents choose to be seen together because my grandma likes to be able to hear what the doctors say about her husband. 

When the nurse calls out for Mr. and Mrs. Todd, my grandma gets up and walks toward her, and my grandpa politely asks her to wheel him into the back.  She tells him that he must get up and walk on his own.  He says he doesn’t want to, and isn’t sure why she can’t do it for him.  With a loving smile, she politely responded, “You know why,” and helps him from the chair so that he can walk from the waiting room to the back.  Meanwhile the whole waiting room is looking and listening to the exchange.  Though firm, but not rude, my grandma asked of my grandfather only that of which she knew he was capable.

Later in the afternoon as her and I were doing some shopping, she told me that she felt bad because the people in the waiting room didn’t know her true intentions.  She said that she wasn’t being mean, but she loved my grandpa and knew what was best for him.  He doesn’t like to walk much because after two knee replacement surgeries and other bouts with his health, the pain and wear of his strength cause him weariness even while walking short distances.  She told me that though he doesn’t like to, he needs to walk because it keeps him mobile.  He knows that’s why she does it, and subsequently why he doesn’t protest much.  The people in the waiting room didn’t know why she was making a seemingly helpless person, get up and walk, she continued to explain, but after 55+ years together, she recognized that her discernment trumped their limited knowledge.

The whole exchange radiated true love to me.  Someone who wants the best for you even if it stings, physically or emotionally, is a true comrade.  In the same way my grandmother urged my grandfather, so our heavenly Father urges us to be our best.  Though he questioned why she was making him get up and walk, my grandpa ultimately knew the intentions were that of his loving wife who only wants his optimal heath.  He knew this because all her other actions pointed to the fact that she loved him.  Her faithful care, loving spirit, and constant companionship all demonstrated her true commitment to love.  Because of her nature, he knew that she would never seek his demise, but always be working toward his betterment.

We question why God makes us get uncomfortable or experience pain, but we must realize that it is those very experiences that make us into the men and women God wants us to be.  The people in our life don’t always understand our pain or why certain things happen.  They have only a narrow lens.  They can only see what happens in the waiting room, but God can see the whole picture.  He isn’t limited to our waiting room experience.  His love for us and His wisdom, though we sometimes question it, are ultimately the best option; which is why if we are wise, we won’t put up much of a fight.  His character in past situations in scripture and in our lives always point to the fact that if he asks something difficult of us, it is only for our betterment, and refining, never for our failure.  

My grandparents love and support for each other portray an accurate picture of Christ’s love: He gives us what we need, but not always as we would have chosen for ourselves.

When I spent that day with my grandparents I had no idea that it would be the last memory I would get to share with my grandpa, but I’m thankful that the Lord allowed me, if even for a moment, to see past the waiting room.  Before I left my grandparents home that day, my grandpa said, “Come back and see us some time when you have more time!” When I see my grandpa next, it will be on the streets of gold, and I’ll have all the time in the world.

Psalm 42:3-5

³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember

    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Romans 5:3-4

…But we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Wisdom in the Waiting Room

Last night I had a hard time sleeping, and when I woke up I wasn’t particularly looking forward to driving my grandparents to downtown St. Louis and spending the afternoon at a hospital for their doctors appointments, but as God often works, He began to show me little pieces of Himself even when I wasn’t looking for it. 

As the day with my grandpa, who has a hard time walking and my grandma who can’t see very well anymore (the reason they needed a ride to their doctor) unfolded,  I began to see in multiple facets, the way God provides.

My grandma, though unable to read much of anything because of her vision, is a pretty spry and agile lady.  She helped my grandpa from the car into a wheelchair for a trek through Barnes-Jewish Hospital.  After we walked across the window covered bridge over the city, we boarded the elevator and hopped off at the 13^th floor (which apparently does exist in some buildings).

Because of their many visits to this location, my grandparents smoothly maneuvered their way through the large St. Louis hospital, smiling and being helpful to others along the way.  We finally arrive at the waiting room.  My grandparents choose to be seen together because my grandma likes to be able to hear what the doctors say about her husband. 

When the nurse calls out for Mr. and Mrs. Todd, my grandma gets up and walks toward her, and my grandpa politely asks her to wheel him into the back.  She tells him that he must get up and walk on his own.  He says he doesn’t want to, and isn’t sure why she can’t do it for him.  With a loving smile, she politely responded, “You know why,” and helps him from the chair so that he can walk from the waiting room to the back.  Meanwhile the whole waiting room is looking and listening to the exchange.  Though firm, but not rude, my grandma asked of my grandfather only that of which she knew he was capable.

Later in the afternoon as her and I were doing some shopping, she told me that she felt bad because the people in the waiting room didn’t know her true intentions.  She said that she wasn’t being mean, but she loved my grandpa and knew what was best for him.  He doesn’t like to walk much because after two knee replacement surgeries and other bouts with his health, the pain and wear of his strength cause him weariness even while walking short distances.  She told me that though he doesn’t like to, he needs to walk because it keeps him mobile.  He knows that’s why she does it, and subsequently why he doesn’t protest much.  The people in the waiting room didn’t know why she was making a seemingly helpless person, get up and walk, she continued to explain, but after 55+ years together, she recognized that her discernment trumped their limited knowledge.

The whole exchange radiated true love to me.  Someone who wants the best for you even if it stings, physically or emotionally, is a true comrade.  In the same way my grandmother urged my grandfather, so our heavenly Father urges us to be our best.  Though he questioned why she was making him get up and walk, my grandpa ultimately knew the intentions were that of his loving wife who only wants his optimal heath. 

We question why God makes us get uncomfortable or experience pain, but we must realize that it is those very experiences that make us into the men and women God wants us to be.  The people in our life don’t always understand our pain or why certain things happen.  They have only a narrow lens.  They can only see what happens in the waiting room, but God can see the whole picture.  He isn’t limited to our waiting room experience.  His love for us and His wisdom, though we sometimes question it, are ultimately the best option; which is why if we are wise, we won’t put up much of a fight. 

God blesses my grandparents’ marriage even still: one who can barely climb stairs anymore, but can still see and hear pretty well, is matched with a physically able woman who is losing her sight.  Between the two of them and their love and support, they portray an accurate picture of Christ’s love: He gives us what we need, but not always as we would have chosen for ourselves.

Last night I prayed that God would reveal a bit of Himself to me throughout my daily life. I didn’t realize what my next day had in store for me; and I’m thankful that the Lord allowed me, if even for a moment, to see past the waiting room.

Psalm 42:3-5

³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.