Searching for treasure (when I don't really feel like it)

I wish instinctively our differences drew each other closer. I wish they didn’t scare us away.

God made us each so unique for a specific purpose, yet I find myself regularly wishing I was just like “everyone else” and other days, wishing “everyone else” was just like me.

I wish that everyone saw each other the way my dear friend Abigail does: each soul and personality a treasure trove just waiting to be explored.

On my good days, when I’m feeling spirited, filled, and encouraged, I have the energy to view people that way. Each new face is the beginning of a new adventure. I take the time to stop and talk to homeless people on the curb outside of Walmart. I spend myself to know the beating heart in the chest of everyone I encounter.

But on other days I just drive past. I look down, and I stop trying.

On so many days, I don’t let Jesus be enough to fill me. I don’t let him sustain me or satisfy my every longing.

I am frustrated with my status, situation, and heartache. I doubt that this is really God’s plan, and that poor attitude carries over into how I view the world

I want to know what God wants from me, and I ask him to tell me and to help me feel different. I’m continually hit with blessings, and somehow my heart is still hard. It doesn’t want to know or try to invest in people. It wants to take and never give. It wants to sit alone and stop trying.

But somehow the Spirit of God resides in this very same soul.

I want to be the new creation I know I am. But my old self fights against it.

I’ve been reading the Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, and been learning about the value in living authentically, or wholeheartedly.

In moving to a new place, it’s hard to be fully yourself and authentic in all situations. It takes time and courage. Courage that I sometimes don’t have, and other times get tired of mustering.

In her book, Brown asks: “What’s the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?”

I think for me, sometimes it’s to believe that I am truly connected to all the other people around me; that because we are all in need of a Savior, and because Jesus made you, and he also made me; we have the same value. If I want people to know me intricately I must spend myself to know them intricately as well, cherishing their differences and details. The details crafted by the one true Creator.

For those close to me or far away, I believe that we’re all in this together. I think we will feel most brave and fulfilled when we seek to know each other. And if Galatians 2:20 is true and Jesus is living in us, we must be living like him.

Some days I don’t feel like it, but I need you to remind me that it’s worth it. 

I don’t know exactly why Jesus has me here, but I have a few ideas. The truth I know and was reminded by new friends in Jeff City is that God is not surprised by what’s happened or how I feel.

So that’s my story. I feel like I fail a lot more days than I don’t, but I run back to the throne of the one who made me this way. Who sees me and loved me before I knew what love was.

I come broken to be mended

 I come wounded to be healed

I come desperate to be rescued

 I come empty to be filled

I come guilty to be pardoned

 By the blood of Christ the Lamb

And I'm welcomed with open arms

 Praise God, just as I am

I’m going to try to be better about being authentic and being brave.

I’m also trying to actively practicing gratitude in the face of feeling unsatisfied, anxious, and tired.

So here’s a list of the things I have to be thankful to the Lord for:

• New friends: David and Nikki and their steady hearts and desire to spend inordinate amounts of time with cranky ole me. Seriously this friendship has lifted my soul, and Jesus was kind to bring it in my life.
• Watching through the Harry Potter series with the aforementioned new friends
• My friend Tricia who accepts me for me without even batting an eye and makes me cackle-laugh
• Going out to coffee with a new friend
• Uplifting phone calls from my mom, my mentor, and Trinity
• Crisp fall air
• The arrival of apple cider at the grocery store
• The people of Missio Dei at Mizzou

I bet you have a very different list of things you’re thankful for. I’d love to hear about them sometime. I wanna dig in and appreciate our treasure trove of differences.

It's your heart, it's alive

It's pumping blood

And the whole wide world is whistling

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

I Know I Have It

So much has happened since the last post I created. This transition has been a stretching experience for me in many ways.

About three weeks after moving in and settling into my space, 7 college students move in to the house, with whom I begin to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment.

Not long after that we began training small group leaders for our convention’s youth summer camp: Super Summer, followed by two weeks of camp. We traveled to Branson, spent afternoons with followers of Christ much wiser than I, studied a book together, ate many meals, shared stories, and just got back from a week and a half of ministry in St. Louis which I plan to share about in an upcoming post.

For many reasons it has been a challenging environment, at no fault of anyone, but rather by sheer circumstance. The timing of my move threw me into a whirlwind internship experience while simultaneously being unsure about my role. I am learning how my job works, and trying to cultivate a welcoming environment for new people when I still feel like a guest in my own world.

I suppose that the most significant piece of advice I received while deep in my perplexity over my role, my influence, and my purpose, was that God still speaks to me; that sheep know the voice of the Shepherd. Some good friends of mine reminded me that I, Beka Todd, hear his voice. And I know that I do. I’ve heard him remind me over and over that in the midst of changing roles and insecurity he speaks and moves. While the enemy hopes and seeks to use my confusion and transition as footholds to tell me many things: I’m worthless, and I’ll never be able to love anyone again; God wants to use that very same breeding ground for life change and molding me more into the image of the Son.

One of the most influential moments so far has been in talking with some of the students I’ve interacted with this summer, getting to explain what a relationship with the Lord looks like in great depth and length. At our training, I noticed a particularly down-trodden face among faces. I asked what was going on. This ultimately led to hours of conversation about grace, relationship, mercy, sin, and the Gospel. These moments are where my soul soars. When I get to answer a seeking mind’s questions about the power of grace and why on earth the creator of the universe, perfect Son of God would ever choose to love me or call me to himself, sacrificing His Son for me. What wondrous love is this.

In the midst of this conversation I remember being asked,  “How do you know you have it?” Essentially referring to the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and ultimately salvation of your soul.

“Do you know you have it?” she asked.

Through teary eyes, I looked back on my life, my emotions, the comfort, the nudgings, the provision, the conviction I’ve known in my life, and answered: 

“I know I have it.”

What joy to be able to confidently say: “I know I have it.”

When many people in this life struggle to find what it even is, I have it, and I thrive when I get to tell other people about it.

While I’ve struggled through two weeks of emotionally, and physically exhausting youth summer camp, projects, mission work, and what life together really looks like. I felt God telling me so many things.

Just like Hagar in the desert I was reminded that “You are the God who sees me.” (Gen. 16:13)  God sees me and knows me and is working everything together for my good.

Our speaker at camp said the phrase, “You don’t let anyone tell you who you are. Only God tells you who you are.”

My whole life's struggle has been and continues to be feeling like Mia Thermopolis from the Princess Diaries, who states that, “my expectation in life is to be invisible; and I’m good at it.”

I want someone just anyone to acknowledge that they see me; that I’m doing good; that I’m doing something meaningful and worthwhile. If I’m honest I want people to notice that and affirm that. I want my productivity in my job to do that, and to provide me with that feeling. As a woman and as a human I will fight the battle all my life to only let God tell me who I am, and to remember that “He is the God who sees me.”

During this process, I know that the phrase, “Jesus is better,” has found it’s way back into my life over and over again. I believe God is challenging me to really, truly believe that “my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9) No matter what on earth I strive for, wish I had, or thought I would get; Jesus is better. The fact that I can hold anything up to that statement, is both hard to swallow and beautiful to rest in. God is asking me to trust in his sovereignty over my life and the lives of others in many ways. He’s asking me to walk with my eyes on Him and nothing else.

So in the midst of transition, when I look at the confusion of my life, the fact that I’ve been transported to a whole new world, and see that the expectation I had for my new community, job, and life are not looking exactly the way I pictured, I remind myself: He sees me, and He is better.

So I press on reminding myself of that “I have it.” And really, when I think about that, the rest is just details.

“The fear of man is a snare, but the one who trusts in the lord is protected.” Proverbs 29:25

Content to be Simply Myself

Week one on my brand new job working for the Leadership Development Team at the Missouri Baptist Convention in Jeff City.

Things I’ve done so far:

• Moved into a new house, with an awesome married couple and a friend my age: Bri
• Drove to Nashville, TN to attend a conference on collegiate ministry
• Explored Nashville solo!
• Finalized some things with my church in Bolivar and started going to a new church in Jeff city on the same day
• Explored downtown Jeff
• Had meals with my new family (The Kearn-Suitt-Todd fam)
• Let Jillian Michaels kick Bri and I's butt with a 20 minute shred (it hurts to move) 

"When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” 

That quote from Lao Tzu is one I’ve carried with me since I read it in an English textbook in high school. It spoke to my heart, and my desire to be accepted and loved in High School, and still lands on me in my journey to adulthood.

I think that the transition from college to the working world is a strange one. Your life sends you on a whirlwind from young-adulthood adventurous freedom to scheduled routine. Suddenly you’re stripped from the free time to do all the things you thought defined you. The overwhelming majority of your time during the week consists of learning a new skill set and developing further your ability to perform your work duties well. You try and connect with people 5-30 years your senior. All the while, finding your vernacular changing as well as your social schedule and bedtime. 

I often walk around scared that someone will notice that I’m just faking it. Maybe they’ll notice I am a recent graduate and be able to smell my naiveté. But the more I open up, the more I start to realize, that yes they notice, but more importantly: nobody really has it “figured out.”

So much has gotten jumbled in my brain, but at some point something switches and I started to adjust. As childhood skips further and further away, I find myself missing it more, but desiring it less and less. I covet the simplicity of my youth, but pine for increased depth in my knowledge and friendships more, even though complication accompanies that depth. The older I get, the more complicated life gets, simply because we’ve all experienced more of it. I understand that we are all living this thing the best way we know how. While we still reside in a fallen world: we must work to provide for ourselves. If I didn’t have to work, I know I would not push myself to accomplish anything, and I would be unhappy with who I was. With these realizations I can be thankful for my situation, and God can redeem my work life.   

I haven’t started too much here in Jefferson City yet, but just as with anything in life: something is always going to change and fluctuate. Ultimately it’s up to us to figure out how to adapt and change with it. Through this transition, I’m learning to be transparent about my struggle through adulthood, and be open concerning how much about the world I still have not grasped and do not understand. I keep making my weird jokes, even when no one laughs, because eventually one will land. Then it reminds me that God didn’t create me to please others; but He created me because He loved me and He wanted to portray his love and glorify himself through me.

So even though things don’t always work out as planned, I still have to trust that He goes before me, He knows everything, and He is sovereign. Nothing that I do, mess up, accomplish or conquer did He not already know or have ready for me. He saw it all and He’s weaving together my story. I just have to try and make the most of it; by being who He created me to be: myself. 

Jeff City Goals:

• To build community among my new peers
• To learn Spanish
• To take an active role in a new church
• To spend time mentoring a younger girl

At our conference in Nashville, Kyle Idleman spoke and reminded us to delight in our weaknesses like the Bible teaches. We don't have to make ourselves weak: we already are; we just have to come to God humbly and empty. (2 Cor. 12) We start to think that if we produce more fruit we will have a better connection with Jesus. But it's actually the opposite. If we can just remember that it's our job to be the branch, and not the vine. Then we will be okay. (John 15)   

I’ve been in the full-time working world for almost a year now, and have recently moved to a new job in a new city, and Kyle's words were extremely timely. 40 hours a week in an office sometimes seems like it drains out all my personality, but then I remember that my calling is to be that branch. When I pursue God's purpose for my life, by sharing the gospel, making disciples, and living in community I find I'm the most "myself." Because all the facets of my personality are His creation, and He uses His creation to glorify the Creator, I can't help but to be truly myself while serving Him. Ultimately, the more I seek to be that branch, the more I remember who I am in purpose and in personality. I just need to be that branch. The vine will sustain me and fill me up. Thank you Jesus. 

 Check back to hear about how my trek through adulthood continues in Jefferson City, as well as what God is doing and teaching me, and my friends. Hopefully we can learn on the journey together.

#lifewithbekandabs

My dearest Abs doesn’t like goodbyes, and I firmly believe that this is not goodbye, and that’s why I feel like it’s okay to write this.

It’s hard to describe just how life-changing the last 5 months have been having Abigail Walker as a roommate. If you know her you are lucky, and you are probably aware of how special she is. If you don’t know her, let me tell you a few facts.

This girl is fun. She lights up the room with her smile and laughter. You know there’s something different about her as soon as you catch a glimpse of her sweet spirit (and also her dimples.) I always say that I’m pretty sure every guy wants to be Mr. Abigail Walker.

She is a friend until the end. She listens to the recesses of my heart, she reminds me of the good qualities in myself that I forget I even have. Once she loves you, she’s dedicated to it. And if that means readjusting her plans so she can get breakfast with you before work because you have a sad heart; that’s exactly what she will do.

This girl loves Jesus. Whew. Living with her has helped me to look back over my life and detect the hand of God better than ever before. She sees all the intricate ways that God weaves our world and life’s happenings together for his glory and our good. A day rarely goes by that I don’t hear her audibly and sincerely say, “Thank you Jesus.”  

Our home was marked by huge sodies, watching vines on our completely bare kitchen floor, realizing just how single we are by looking at the contents of our fridge and our walmart sacks, loving the stage of life we’re in, and inviting people to love it with us.

 Abs asked me to make her a cd for her road trip to Montana, so I obv titled it with our hashtag: #lifewithbekandabs

The first song I chose was one she put on a Spotify playlist we listened to when we were together and apart, and one that particularly seemed to describe us.

We prayed over our home, that it would be a place where the Holy Spirit was always welcome and always present. We prayed when people walked into our house they would feel the difference. Then we heard this song:

This was the house where everybody'd hang
ask all my friends they'll tell you the same
Was it the house or was it the gang
Or a phenomenon no one can explain

I pray that we carry on the practice of this house into every space we inhabit: that we welcome the spirit of the living God and his healing presence.

People need a home they can come to and feel a part of, and I’m blessed to have shared one with such a special pal, who I believe said it best:

“Each person has a story, just ask them how they like their coffee and rip through the shallow end from there.”

Go get em, Abs. 

"But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."