I wish instinctively our differences drew each other closer.
I wish they didn’t scare us away.
God made us each so unique for a specific purpose, yet I
find myself regularly wishing I was just like “everyone else” and other days,
wishing “everyone else” was just like me.
I wish that everyone saw each other the way my dear friend Abigail
does: each soul and personality a treasure trove just waiting to be explored.
On my good days, when I’m feeling spirited, filled, and
encouraged, I have the energy to view people that way. Each new face is the
beginning of a new adventure. I take the time to stop and talk to homeless
people on the curb outside of Walmart. I spend myself to know the beating heart
in the chest of everyone I encounter.
But on other days I just drive past. I look down, and I stop
trying.
On so many days, I don’t let Jesus be enough to fill me. I
don’t let him sustain me or satisfy my every longing.
I am frustrated with my status, situation, and heartache. I
doubt that this is really God’s plan, and that poor attitude carries over into
how I view the world
I want to know what God wants from me, and I ask him to tell
me and to help me feel different. I’m continually hit with blessings, and
somehow my heart is still hard. It doesn’t want to know or try to invest in
people. It wants to take and never give. It wants to sit alone and stop trying.
But somehow the Spirit of God resides in this very same
soul.
I want to be the new creation I know I am. But my old self
fights against it.
I’ve been reading the Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown,
and been learning about the value in living authentically, or wholeheartedly.
In moving to a new place, it’s hard to be fully yourself and
authentic in all situations. It takes time and courage. Courage that I
sometimes don’t have, and other times get tired of mustering.
In her book, Brown asks: “What’s the most courageous thing
you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?”
I think for me, sometimes it’s to believe that I am truly
connected to all the other people around me; that because we are all in need of a
Savior, and because Jesus made you, and he also made me; we have the same
value. If I want people to know me intricately I must spend myself to know them
intricately as well, cherishing their differences and details. The details
crafted by the one true Creator.
For those close to me or far away, I believe that we’re all
in this together. I think we will feel most brave and fulfilled when we seek to
know each other. And if Galatians 2:20 is true and Jesus is living in us, we must be living like him.
Some days I don’t feel like it, but I need you to remind me
that it’s worth it.
I don’t know exactly why Jesus has me here, but I have a few
ideas. The truth I know and was reminded by new friends in Jeff City is that God is
not surprised by what’s happened or how I feel.
So that’s my story. I feel like I fail a lot more days than
I don’t, but I run back to the throne of the one who made me this way. Who sees
me and loved me before I knew what love was.
I come broken to be mended
I come wounded to be
healed
I come desperate to be rescued
I come empty to be
filled
I come guilty to be pardoned
By the blood of Christ
the Lamb
And I'm welcomed with open arms
Praise God, just as I
am
I’m going to try to be better about being authentic and
being brave.
I’m also trying to actively practicing gratitude in the face
of feeling unsatisfied, anxious, and tired.
So here’s a list of the things I have to be thankful to the
Lord for:
- New friends: David and Nikki and their steady hearts and desire to spend inordinate amounts of time with cranky ole me. Seriously this friendship has lifted my soul, and Jesus was kind to bring it in my life.
- Watching through the Harry Potter series with the aforementioned new friends
- My friend Tricia who accepts me for me without even batting an eye and makes me cackle-laugh
- Going out to coffee with a new friend
- Uplifting phone calls from my mom, my mentor, and Trinity
- Crisp fall air
- The arrival of apple cider at the grocery store
- The people of Missio Dei at Mizzou
I bet you have a very different list of things you’re
thankful for. I’d love to hear about them sometime. I wanna dig in and
appreciate our treasure trove of differences.
It's your heart, it's alive
It's pumping blood
And
the whole wide world is whistling
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13
