I Know I Have It

So much has happened since the last post I created. This transition has been a stretching experience for me in many ways.

About three weeks after moving in and settling into my space, 7 college students move in to the house, with whom I begin to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment.

Not long after that we began training small group leaders for our convention’s youth summer camp: Super Summer, followed by two weeks of camp. We traveled to Branson, spent afternoons with followers of Christ much wiser than I, studied a book together, ate many meals, shared stories, and just got back from a week and a half of ministry in St. Louis which I plan to share about in an upcoming post.

For many reasons it has been a challenging environment, at no fault of anyone, but rather by sheer circumstance. The timing of my move threw me into a whirlwind internship experience while simultaneously being unsure about my role. I am learning how my job works, and trying to cultivate a welcoming environment for new people when I still feel like a guest in my own world.

I suppose that the most significant piece of advice I received while deep in my perplexity over my role, my influence, and my purpose, was that God still speaks to me; that sheep know the voice of the Shepherd. Some good friends of mine reminded me that I, Beka Todd, hear his voice. And I know that I do. I’ve heard him remind me over and over that in the midst of changing roles and insecurity he speaks and moves. While the enemy hopes and seeks to use my confusion and transition as footholds to tell me many things: I’m worthless, and I’ll never be able to love anyone again; God wants to use that very same breeding ground for life change and molding me more into the image of the Son.

One of the most influential moments so far has been in talking with some of the students I’ve interacted with this summer, getting to explain what a relationship with the Lord looks like in great depth and length. At our training, I noticed a particularly down-trodden face among faces. I asked what was going on. This ultimately led to hours of conversation about grace, relationship, mercy, sin, and the Gospel. These moments are where my soul soars. When I get to answer a seeking mind’s questions about the power of grace and why on earth the creator of the universe, perfect Son of God would ever choose to love me or call me to himself, sacrificing His Son for me. What wondrous love is this.

In the midst of this conversation I remember being asked,  “How do you know you have it?” Essentially referring to the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and ultimately salvation of your soul.

“Do you know you have it?” she asked.

Through teary eyes, I looked back on my life, my emotions, the comfort, the nudgings, the provision, the conviction I’ve known in my life, and answered: 

“I know I have it.”

What joy to be able to confidently say: “I know I have it.”

When many people in this life struggle to find what it even is, I have it, and I thrive when I get to tell other people about it.

While I’ve struggled through two weeks of emotionally, and physically exhausting youth summer camp, projects, mission work, and what life together really looks like. I felt God telling me so many things.

Just like Hagar in the desert I was reminded that “You are the God who sees me.” (Gen. 16:13)  God sees me and knows me and is working everything together for my good.

Our speaker at camp said the phrase, “You don’t let anyone tell you who you are. Only God tells you who you are.”

My whole life's struggle has been and continues to be feeling like Mia Thermopolis from the Princess Diaries, who states that, “my expectation in life is to be invisible; and I’m good at it.”

I want someone just anyone to acknowledge that they see me; that I’m doing good; that I’m doing something meaningful and worthwhile. If I’m honest I want people to notice that and affirm that. I want my productivity in my job to do that, and to provide me with that feeling. As a woman and as a human I will fight the battle all my life to only let God tell me who I am, and to remember that “He is the God who sees me.”

During this process, I know that the phrase, “Jesus is better,” has found it’s way back into my life over and over again. I believe God is challenging me to really, truly believe that “my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9) No matter what on earth I strive for, wish I had, or thought I would get; Jesus is better. The fact that I can hold anything up to that statement, is both hard to swallow and beautiful to rest in. God is asking me to trust in his sovereignty over my life and the lives of others in many ways. He’s asking me to walk with my eyes on Him and nothing else.

So in the midst of transition, when I look at the confusion of my life, the fact that I’ve been transported to a whole new world, and see that the expectation I had for my new community, job, and life are not looking exactly the way I pictured, I remind myself: He sees me, and He is better.

So I press on reminding myself of that “I have it.” And really, when I think about that, the rest is just details.

“The fear of man is a snare, but the one who trusts in the lord is protected.” Proverbs 29:25

Content to be Simply Myself

Week one on my brand new job working for the Leadership Development Team at the Missouri Baptist Convention in Jeff City.

Things I’ve done so far:

• Moved into a new house, with an awesome married couple and a friend my age: Bri
• Drove to Nashville, TN to attend a conference on collegiate ministry
• Explored Nashville solo!
• Finalized some things with my church in Bolivar and started going to a new church in Jeff city on the same day
• Explored downtown Jeff
• Had meals with my new family (The Kearn-Suitt-Todd fam)
• Let Jillian Michaels kick Bri and I's butt with a 20 minute shred (it hurts to move) 

"When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” 

That quote from Lao Tzu is one I’ve carried with me since I read it in an English textbook in high school. It spoke to my heart, and my desire to be accepted and loved in High School, and still lands on me in my journey to adulthood.

I think that the transition from college to the working world is a strange one. Your life sends you on a whirlwind from young-adulthood adventurous freedom to scheduled routine. Suddenly you’re stripped from the free time to do all the things you thought defined you. The overwhelming majority of your time during the week consists of learning a new skill set and developing further your ability to perform your work duties well. You try and connect with people 5-30 years your senior. All the while, finding your vernacular changing as well as your social schedule and bedtime. 

I often walk around scared that someone will notice that I’m just faking it. Maybe they’ll notice I am a recent graduate and be able to smell my naiveté. But the more I open up, the more I start to realize, that yes they notice, but more importantly: nobody really has it “figured out.”

So much has gotten jumbled in my brain, but at some point something switches and I started to adjust. As childhood skips further and further away, I find myself missing it more, but desiring it less and less. I covet the simplicity of my youth, but pine for increased depth in my knowledge and friendships more, even though complication accompanies that depth. The older I get, the more complicated life gets, simply because we’ve all experienced more of it. I understand that we are all living this thing the best way we know how. While we still reside in a fallen world: we must work to provide for ourselves. If I didn’t have to work, I know I would not push myself to accomplish anything, and I would be unhappy with who I was. With these realizations I can be thankful for my situation, and God can redeem my work life.   

I haven’t started too much here in Jefferson City yet, but just as with anything in life: something is always going to change and fluctuate. Ultimately it’s up to us to figure out how to adapt and change with it. Through this transition, I’m learning to be transparent about my struggle through adulthood, and be open concerning how much about the world I still have not grasped and do not understand. I keep making my weird jokes, even when no one laughs, because eventually one will land. Then it reminds me that God didn’t create me to please others; but He created me because He loved me and He wanted to portray his love and glorify himself through me.

So even though things don’t always work out as planned, I still have to trust that He goes before me, He knows everything, and He is sovereign. Nothing that I do, mess up, accomplish or conquer did He not already know or have ready for me. He saw it all and He’s weaving together my story. I just have to try and make the most of it; by being who He created me to be: myself. 

Jeff City Goals:

• To build community among my new peers
• To learn Spanish
• To take an active role in a new church
• To spend time mentoring a younger girl

At our conference in Nashville, Kyle Idleman spoke and reminded us to delight in our weaknesses like the Bible teaches. We don't have to make ourselves weak: we already are; we just have to come to God humbly and empty. (2 Cor. 12) We start to think that if we produce more fruit we will have a better connection with Jesus. But it's actually the opposite. If we can just remember that it's our job to be the branch, and not the vine. Then we will be okay. (John 15)   

I’ve been in the full-time working world for almost a year now, and have recently moved to a new job in a new city, and Kyle's words were extremely timely. 40 hours a week in an office sometimes seems like it drains out all my personality, but then I remember that my calling is to be that branch. When I pursue God's purpose for my life, by sharing the gospel, making disciples, and living in community I find I'm the most "myself." Because all the facets of my personality are His creation, and He uses His creation to glorify the Creator, I can't help but to be truly myself while serving Him. Ultimately, the more I seek to be that branch, the more I remember who I am in purpose and in personality. I just need to be that branch. The vine will sustain me and fill me up. Thank you Jesus. 

 Check back to hear about how my trek through adulthood continues in Jefferson City, as well as what God is doing and teaching me, and my friends. Hopefully we can learn on the journey together.

We're Not Who We Were

If I had written a graduation speech, this is what I would want to say to you.

Welcome to Spring Commencement 2014. Welcome to the doorstep of your future.

For some of us, this morning was the beacon of hope in the middle of a long night working on assignments that seemed endless, and for others today is a taunting reminder of the uncertainty of our future. 

I want to begin by saying: congratulations. Whatever emotion you are feeling, let’s rest knowing we’ve reached our goal: we really did it.  We’ve watched our older friends walk this same path before us, and we’ve pondered where it would take us once our name was called. Maybe you are excited for the new opportunities that await you outside the walls of this place we now call home, and maybe you’re terrified that you will never be able to love a place quite as much as this one; and it is very likely the two emotions are swirled into one massive sensation stirring in your chest this morning.

  

And what else could we possibly expect to feel when the time that has molded us so much, comes to an end that is both intriguing, yet uncertain for many of us.  Looking back on the late nights spent studying at McDonald’s, and the mission trips, chapel services, and class discussions that just wouldn’t let us go back to being who we were.

Here, at SBU, we experienced education and academics, but we also lived. We let long nights turn into early mornings, sometimes because we might have put off the assignment too long, and other times, because the conversation kept flowing.  Here we let tears turn into laughter and back into tears again; and found the people that would transition with us effortlessly through both. We had our hearts broken, then molded, filling them with people all along the way. We filled them with friends who became family, to walk alongside us through bad grades, and bad days.  We filled them with some of the most intelligent and caring individuals on the planet, that we got to call professors and advisors.

Here we became whole. We grew up. We received a wonderful and well-rounded education, but we also became different people.  Most likely the guy or girl who walked across this forum as a freshman, sits here as a man or woman completely changed after four years at SBU. This experience will undoubtedly usher us into the rest of our lives.

The question we have to ask is: how?   

Jesus Christ, the Savior and author of our Faith said in Luke 9:23, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead…Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? “

For some of us, this degree, and this experience is everything we want, but what good would it do to get it, and in the process, lose ourselves? We can find ourselves, by way of self-sacrifice.   

As we walk into the next phase of our life we can boldly step forward and say, “What I do today can leave someone better than I found them.”  We have been taught business models, math equations, how to counsel people, how to fix things, and not only is it possible to use all of those things to the glory of God; it is our calling as Christians.

As we look back on the memories and the knowledge we’ve received it is colored by the people who helped us get where we are, academically, emotionally, and spiritually.  We have to assume that without the people that we met, and the professors we learned from, we wouldn’t be here today. How then can we go from this place, into the world and not want to become that person for someone else?

As we enter this new stage of life, we will encounter all sorts of people, and we must remember that each person has value because they were created in the image of God.

So today, I congratulate you for making it here. For achieving something that at times seemed out of sight and out of reach. It has been a pleasure and a great delight to know you. To whom much is given, much is required.  So in light of that I charge you on this graduation day: to love God, to love others, and to find a way to live your life making each person’s world a little better each day.  After all, I cannot picture a better group of people and ones more adequately equipped than those before whom I stand today.

Thank you.