We're Not Who We Were

If I had written a graduation speech, this is what I would want to say to you.

Welcome to Spring Commencement 2014. Welcome to the doorstep of your future.

For some of us, this morning was the beacon of hope in the middle of a long night working on assignments that seemed endless, and for others today is a taunting reminder of the uncertainty of our future. 

I want to begin by saying: congratulations. Whatever emotion you are feeling, let’s rest knowing we’ve reached our goal: we really did it.  We’ve watched our older friends walk this same path before us, and we’ve pondered where it would take us once our name was called. Maybe you are excited for the new opportunities that await you outside the walls of this place we now call home, and maybe you’re terrified that you will never be able to love a place quite as much as this one; and it is very likely the two emotions are swirled into one massive sensation stirring in your chest this morning.

  

And what else could we possibly expect to feel when the time that has molded us so much, comes to an end that is both intriguing, yet uncertain for many of us.  Looking back on the late nights spent studying at McDonald’s, and the mission trips, chapel services, and class discussions that just wouldn’t let us go back to being who we were.

Here, at SBU, we experienced education and academics, but we also lived. We let long nights turn into early mornings, sometimes because we might have put off the assignment too long, and other times, because the conversation kept flowing.  Here we let tears turn into laughter and back into tears again; and found the people that would transition with us effortlessly through both. We had our hearts broken, then molded, filling them with people all along the way. We filled them with friends who became family, to walk alongside us through bad grades, and bad days.  We filled them with some of the most intelligent and caring individuals on the planet, that we got to call professors and advisors.

Here we became whole. We grew up. We received a wonderful and well-rounded education, but we also became different people.  Most likely the guy or girl who walked across this forum as a freshman, sits here as a man or woman completely changed after four years at SBU. This experience will undoubtedly usher us into the rest of our lives.

The question we have to ask is: how?   

Jesus Christ, the Savior and author of our Faith said in Luke 9:23, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead…Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? “

For some of us, this degree, and this experience is everything we want, but what good would it do to get it, and in the process, lose ourselves? We can find ourselves, by way of self-sacrifice.   

As we walk into the next phase of our life we can boldly step forward and say, “What I do today can leave someone better than I found them.”  We have been taught business models, math equations, how to counsel people, how to fix things, and not only is it possible to use all of those things to the glory of God; it is our calling as Christians.

As we look back on the memories and the knowledge we’ve received it is colored by the people who helped us get where we are, academically, emotionally, and spiritually.  We have to assume that without the people that we met, and the professors we learned from, we wouldn’t be here today. How then can we go from this place, into the world and not want to become that person for someone else?

As we enter this new stage of life, we will encounter all sorts of people, and we must remember that each person has value because they were created in the image of God.

So today, I congratulate you for making it here. For achieving something that at times seemed out of sight and out of reach. It has been a pleasure and a great delight to know you. To whom much is given, much is required.  So in light of that I charge you on this graduation day: to love God, to love others, and to find a way to live your life making each person’s world a little better each day.  After all, I cannot picture a better group of people and ones more adequately equipped than those before whom I stand today.

Thank you. 

Thanksgiving Break Blues

There’s this feeling I get at the end of every break, and I don’t think I’m the only one who feels it.

The dreaded last night of break rolls around and I’m sitting in my room dreading going back.

Dreading going back to a place I love. My home, with all my friends, and my church. It doesn’t make sense. I become overwhelmed by all the work I put off during my break, that I now have to actually begin.  I feel lonely. I get scared, thinking, “What if everyone forgets to love me when I go back?”

I can’t quite place my finger on the exact reason why all of this hits me on that night before I go, back, but I know it happens almost every single break. The Thanksgiving/Christmas/Summer break blues.

People around us let us down all the time. We are always worried that we won’t be enough and the people around us will forget to love us. Their past actions don’t give any reason to show that this would be the case, but the fear still creeps into our mind. 

It’s because people are imperfect. They disappoint us, because we are all disappointing. We weren’t meant to live in this world and it’s apparent. I see facebook posts on the daily about people being frustrated and let down by the people surrounding them.  

Isn’t it obvious? 

Our hearts long for something better, because that’s how our Creator created us. We are broken. This world is broken. 

And that’s why Jesus came and was murdered for us. That’s why he rose again: to bring us life.

When you start to feel yourself putting your worth in what others think of you, and you fear that you will never be enough, remember that in Christ, we are heirs to the throne; his children.

Now before faith came, we were held captive under the law, imprisoned until the coming faith would be revealed. ²⁴ So then, the law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith. ²⁵ But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, ²⁶ for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. ²⁷ For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. ²⁸ There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. ²⁹ And if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's offspring, heirs according to promise.

Galatians 3:23-29

What better news could ever exist? We do not have to work to earn anything from our Father.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”  

Psalm 73:26

He is all we need.

So as we walk into these next couple of weeks I want to encourage you. Friends let us down. We let them down too. It’s because we’re broken, so hopelessly broken. But thank the Lord above there was sent a remedy.

Today during chapel we were told to break up into groups to pray with those around us. I was sitting next to my friend, and as Kurt began to pray, we put our arms around each other.  The prayer was not particularly long, but it was not short either. I found myself at points thinking, “She will probably let go of my shoulder at some point because her arm will get tired.” 

But you know what? She didn’t.

Our friends don’t forget to love us, and that’s why they are our friends. Remember that the good outweighs the bad, and that’s why we love the people around us.  More than that, our Savior never takes his arm off our shoulder, and even better: the Spirit of the living God is inside every believer.

Now that we’re back and the Thanksgiving break blues begin to wear off, I want to encourage you to look for the good and remind yourself who is your portion: The one who could never forget to love you. 

I Already Have That

Today, like every other day, I was talking to my mom on the phone. I was filling her in on my day and on the inner workings of my brain. The Lord has been working on me a lot in the past few weeks.  Ever since Good Friday’s Secret Church service I have been wrecked. In the best way possible, the Lord has started reworking my thinking.

 I’m starting to see a pattern: when I think I start to get a handle on this whole gospel thing, the Lord points out where I can do better, and leads me in the way everlasting. I get wrecked for the gospel.

 I spent the past week living intentionally and more gospel focused than I have in a while. Toward the end of the week, my thoughts started drifting.  The enemy always knows exactly where to take my brain to get me off track; the same place he takes a lot of twenty-somethings mind's: singleness. 

I shared with my mom that I just wasn’t sure if I would ever be in a successful relationship that ended in marriage.  A marriage relationship was a beautiful picture of Christ’s love for the church, could be a testimony to God’s work in my life, and I wanted that. I just wasn’t sure it would happen.  In this conversation, my mom stopped me and said what I needed to hear more than anything: “You know, you already have that.”

“That’s just a human example of the even greater relationship that you already take part in.”

Perspective.  Just when I felt blinded by what this world has to offer the Lord sent the unsurpassed, earthly wisdom of my mother. 

If you hold it in your possession, you don’t necessarily need the picture.  It’s a nice way to remember it, but if we are distracted by the picture instead of letting it point to the real thing, it loses its beautiful purpose.

Why is it that I can only see what’s right in front of me? When doubts start to flood my perspective, it’s time to step back and simply say, “I already have that.” Whatever it is I wish I had, I already have it, only greater.  Lord I need: a companion, a friend, a spouse, joy, encouragement, love, etc. "You know, I already have that."

And because we serve a risen Savior, a day is coming when I will have it to the absolute fullest and I will delight only in my Lord without distraction. 

Please if you don’t already have that; get it. Call on His name and you can have all that you need. It won’t always look the way you want. Sometimes it will. Sometimes he will surprise you. But it will always be better. Serving him requires daily sacrifice, but it ends with the fulfillment of the deepest desires our hearts know. 

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:24

My Last Day with Grandpa

Last Tuesday night I had a hard time sleeping, and when I woke up I got ready to drive my grandparents to downtown St. Louis for their doctors appointments.  When I got home that evening I wrote the majority of this blog post.  Little did I know this would be the last day I would get to spend with my grandpa Todd; and as God often works, He began to show me little pieces of Himself even when I wasn’t looking for it. 

When we arrived at the hospital for the doctor's appointments, my grandma, who is a pretty spry and agile lady, helped my grandpa from the car into a wheelchair for a trek through Barnes-Jewish Hospital.  After we walked across the window covered bridge over the city, my grandma pushing my grandpa in the wheelchair, we boarded the elevator and hopped off at the 13^th floor (which apparently does exist in some buildings).

Because of their many visits to this location, my grandparents smoothly maneuvered their way through the large St. Louis hospital, smiling and being helpful to others along the way.  We finally arrive at the waiting room.  My grandparents choose to be seen together because my grandma likes to be able to hear what the doctors say about her husband. 

When the nurse calls out for Mr. and Mrs. Todd, my grandma gets up and walks toward her, and my grandpa politely asks her to wheel him into the back.  She tells him that he must get up and walk on his own.  He says he doesn’t want to, and isn’t sure why she can’t do it for him.  With a loving smile, she politely responded, “You know why,” and helps him from the chair so that he can walk from the waiting room to the back.  Meanwhile the whole waiting room is looking and listening to the exchange.  Though firm, but not rude, my grandma asked of my grandfather only that of which she knew he was capable.

Later in the afternoon as her and I were doing some shopping, she told me that she felt bad because the people in the waiting room didn’t know her true intentions.  She said that she wasn’t being mean, but she loved my grandpa and knew what was best for him.  He doesn’t like to walk much because after two knee replacement surgeries and other bouts with his health, the pain and wear of his strength cause him weariness even while walking short distances.  She told me that though he doesn’t like to, he needs to walk because it keeps him mobile.  He knows that’s why she does it, and subsequently why he doesn’t protest much.  The people in the waiting room didn’t know why she was making a seemingly helpless person, get up and walk, she continued to explain, but after 55+ years together, she recognized that her discernment trumped their limited knowledge.

The whole exchange radiated true love to me.  Someone who wants the best for you even if it stings, physically or emotionally, is a true comrade.  In the same way my grandmother urged my grandfather, so our heavenly Father urges us to be our best.  Though he questioned why she was making him get up and walk, my grandpa ultimately knew the intentions were that of his loving wife who only wants his optimal heath.  He knew this because all her other actions pointed to the fact that she loved him.  Her faithful care, loving spirit, and constant companionship all demonstrated her true commitment to love.  Because of her nature, he knew that she would never seek his demise, but always be working toward his betterment.

We question why God makes us get uncomfortable or experience pain, but we must realize that it is those very experiences that make us into the men and women God wants us to be.  The people in our life don’t always understand our pain or why certain things happen.  They have only a narrow lens.  They can only see what happens in the waiting room, but God can see the whole picture.  He isn’t limited to our waiting room experience.  His love for us and His wisdom, though we sometimes question it, are ultimately the best option; which is why if we are wise, we won’t put up much of a fight.  His character in past situations in scripture and in our lives always point to the fact that if he asks something difficult of us, it is only for our betterment, and refining, never for our failure.  

My grandparents love and support for each other portray an accurate picture of Christ’s love: He gives us what we need, but not always as we would have chosen for ourselves.

When I spent that day with my grandparents I had no idea that it would be the last memory I would get to share with my grandpa, but I’m thankful that the Lord allowed me, if even for a moment, to see past the waiting room.  Before I left my grandparents home that day, my grandpa said, “Come back and see us some time when you have more time!” When I see my grandpa next, it will be on the streets of gold, and I’ll have all the time in the world.

Psalm 42:3-5

³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember

    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Romans 5:3-4

…But we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Wisdom in the Waiting Room

Last night I had a hard time sleeping, and when I woke up I wasn’t particularly looking forward to driving my grandparents to downtown St. Louis and spending the afternoon at a hospital for their doctors appointments, but as God often works, He began to show me little pieces of Himself even when I wasn’t looking for it. 

As the day with my grandpa, who has a hard time walking and my grandma who can’t see very well anymore (the reason they needed a ride to their doctor) unfolded,  I began to see in multiple facets, the way God provides.

My grandma, though unable to read much of anything because of her vision, is a pretty spry and agile lady.  She helped my grandpa from the car into a wheelchair for a trek through Barnes-Jewish Hospital.  After we walked across the window covered bridge over the city, we boarded the elevator and hopped off at the 13^th floor (which apparently does exist in some buildings).

Because of their many visits to this location, my grandparents smoothly maneuvered their way through the large St. Louis hospital, smiling and being helpful to others along the way.  We finally arrive at the waiting room.  My grandparents choose to be seen together because my grandma likes to be able to hear what the doctors say about her husband. 

When the nurse calls out for Mr. and Mrs. Todd, my grandma gets up and walks toward her, and my grandpa politely asks her to wheel him into the back.  She tells him that he must get up and walk on his own.  He says he doesn’t want to, and isn’t sure why she can’t do it for him.  With a loving smile, she politely responded, “You know why,” and helps him from the chair so that he can walk from the waiting room to the back.  Meanwhile the whole waiting room is looking and listening to the exchange.  Though firm, but not rude, my grandma asked of my grandfather only that of which she knew he was capable.

Later in the afternoon as her and I were doing some shopping, she told me that she felt bad because the people in the waiting room didn’t know her true intentions.  She said that she wasn’t being mean, but she loved my grandpa and knew what was best for him.  He doesn’t like to walk much because after two knee replacement surgeries and other bouts with his health, the pain and wear of his strength cause him weariness even while walking short distances.  She told me that though he doesn’t like to, he needs to walk because it keeps him mobile.  He knows that’s why she does it, and subsequently why he doesn’t protest much.  The people in the waiting room didn’t know why she was making a seemingly helpless person, get up and walk, she continued to explain, but after 55+ years together, she recognized that her discernment trumped their limited knowledge.

The whole exchange radiated true love to me.  Someone who wants the best for you even if it stings, physically or emotionally, is a true comrade.  In the same way my grandmother urged my grandfather, so our heavenly Father urges us to be our best.  Though he questioned why she was making him get up and walk, my grandpa ultimately knew the intentions were that of his loving wife who only wants his optimal heath. 

We question why God makes us get uncomfortable or experience pain, but we must realize that it is those very experiences that make us into the men and women God wants us to be.  The people in our life don’t always understand our pain or why certain things happen.  They have only a narrow lens.  They can only see what happens in the waiting room, but God can see the whole picture.  He isn’t limited to our waiting room experience.  His love for us and His wisdom, though we sometimes question it, are ultimately the best option; which is why if we are wise, we won’t put up much of a fight. 

God blesses my grandparents’ marriage even still: one who can barely climb stairs anymore, but can still see and hear pretty well, is matched with a physically able woman who is losing her sight.  Between the two of them and their love and support, they portray an accurate picture of Christ’s love: He gives us what we need, but not always as we would have chosen for ourselves.

Last night I prayed that God would reveal a bit of Himself to me throughout my daily life. I didn’t realize what my next day had in store for me; and I’m thankful that the Lord allowed me, if even for a moment, to see past the waiting room.

Psalm 42:3-5

³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Holding Mangled Hands

I’ve never put very much weight in any of my dreams, because they’re usually pretty whacky, but I think it’s time to reevaluate.

The other night I had a dream that at first didn’t hit me the way I see it now.

I was in a room with a bunch of people. Some people I knew, and some I didn’t; but everyone’s hands were deformed. They were all misshapen in different, unique ways. Some people’s looked normal at first, but when you got close, you could tell that they weren’t. Others were blatantly abnormal.  At first no one wanted to acknowledge this fact, until one man, sheepishly stood up and said something about his hands being weird, and he knew everyone could tell. Then slowly, one by one, people started acknowledging that their hands were also a bit off.  After the first man’s admission, others gradually began to say, “No, I understand, look at mine!” In the dream I got up and walked away for a bit and when I came back everyone was sitting together holding hands. They didn’t exactly know the right way to do it, because everyone’s hands were strange and different. But as they acknowledged their insecurities and imperfections together, they began to share the struggle and encourage one another.

When I woke up, I mostly thought that was another strange dream, and left it at the fact that I have lots of those.

The more time that passed and the more I began to share about my life and God’s faithfulness, as well as hearing about a friend’s testimony having an impact on those around him, I began to contemplate the significance of living life in community.

All summer long I shared my struggles with pretty much anyone who would listen. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to face things on my own. I lived life transparently and showed the people around me my hurt and they biblically carried my burdens with me. It was refreshing, uplifting, and freeing. I never felt like I had to walk into a room full of people and be something I wasn’t. They knew me and were able to love me, perhaps better than if I hadn’t been real with them.

As I walked through a dark valley I was encouraged and blessed by friendship of others, and my openness allowed others to have the same freeness with me: truly a blessing.

Here’s the best part: when God takes you through a valley, there comes a time when he brings you out of it, when your prayers are answered and you spirits lifted. And that time has come for me. My fervent prayers have been answered and now I have about a million people to call and share more of my life with.

Here’s an even cooler part: Now that I have taken the time to share and hold the deformed hands of my imperfect friends, as they held mine, now I can share with them the faithfulness God has shown me. That his promises are as true as he said they would be! The more people you let in on the bad, the more you have to tell about the good when it comes, because it will come. Because I shared life with all those people, and because God is faithful, those testimonies are now impacting more than just me, they affect people, who then affect more people.

We are meant to live this way. At first it might not seem like the best thing to hold out your weary, disturbingly unattractive hand to your neighbor, but as soon as they pull theirs out of their pocket and you see that it’s just as mangled as yours, then you can glorify God together, living life the way it was intended.

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Love Save Us All

Traveling so much this summer, I have been in the car a lot, which has led to listening to music for hours and hours at a time. I’ve listened to the radio, my own music, both new and old. The theme remains constant in much of the music. Love. As I was listening to some familiar favorites on a recent trip to Kansas City, I started wondering: why has love become the pinnacle of our existence?

All the songs and movies we fill our minds and time with are essentially about this search; trying to find that half that makes us whole. If you listen to the pain in the lyrics of a blues song or the betrayal in the melody of a jazz song, it seems that everyone is missing something.

As I thought more about this, it hit me: everyone on this planet is looking for something.  We’re all wandering around, searching for things to place in our lives to make us feel. To feel something. Or anything. We want to find purpose and meaning. If we could just find love, then certainly we’ve found it. Love has become the pinnacle of our existence.

Everyone is walking around as half a person, looking for that perfectly fitting puzzle piece to complete them, and if you don’t find that piece, you have to keep looking until you do.  If we can just find that missing half, that right person, everything else fits in place, and the world makes sense. At least that’s what the movies and songs tell us. Ask any married couple and I believe they will let you know their spouse did not answer all their questions and solve all their problems. 

I in no way am condemning marriage and love; I’m their biggest fan! I cry at every wedding, even if I don’t know the couple, and I love the beautiful picture that marriage paints of Christ’s love for the church. I can only hope to take part in such beauty some day. But, doesn’t it seem that if finding this person doesn’t answer our questions, and solve our problems, that it’s not the best thing to spend our life searching for?

So it begs the question; what should we be searching for?

It makes sense that this is what we feel will make our lives complete.  Amidst all the things we can use to fill this aching void in our life we feel that relationships with others are the most satisfying. 

This is simply because they are the most like the relationship God intends for us to have with Him.

 They are the most satisfying of all earthly things. They fulfill us the most. Relationships are the things that we miss the most when they are gone and that hurt us the most when they go wrong. Nothing can cause us more pain than the people we love.

I was talking to a friend the other day, who is not a believer in the relationship Christ intends for us to have with Him, but even he admitted that having an intimate, intellectual human connection with someone is much more satisfying than any other pleasure or high.  It’s beautiful.

But these beautiful things that God has placed in our life and in our world often become the very same things we try to use to replace Him and our need for relationship with Him.

So if the love between humans can show us something, I believe that it is the love of Christ that we’re all inherently searching for. We can’t help it. We need something to fill that void, and we often settle for human companionship when we could have companionship with our creator.  The beauty of love between humans is enthralling and intended by God, but it and all the beauty of life are proof of God’s overwhelming existence. Timothy Keller, in his book, The Reason for God, would argue that this beauty is one we are all aware of, but simply refuse to recognize because that recognition leads to a necessary sacrifice many are not willing to make.

Let’s recognize the beauty of love, but under the overarching truth that the Lord’s love is much greater and that earthly love and all it's enamoring beauty are a gift straight from Him. Love is not our end-all, so let’s not use a beautiful, yet imperfect earthly relationship to try and replace our need for a Savior.